whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
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ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.