Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
You Might Also Like
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots