I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?