remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
when nothing goes right… go left
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…