I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.