On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
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watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
*ernest hemingway voice*
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.