[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.