[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
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Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Any refunds available?…
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.