chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
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Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”