I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
You Might Also Like
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*