I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
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Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.