Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us