Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

Fun Fact

The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Doctor: so your blood type is-

Vampire: ALL of them