Donating blood today to make room for more food
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going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems