Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
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People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.