My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
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Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old