If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he鈥檚 like 100 years old?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
cat: psst it鈥檚 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What鈥檚 so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 馃檨
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.