Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
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If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.