If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
next question.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
🙅🏻
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches