Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
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Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.