do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
shit just got real
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD