Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
describing stardew valley
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
this is literally a CIA plant
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The devil.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
the rocks need my help
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…