I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
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Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”