My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
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This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
are there any atheist mantises?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.