The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
You Might Also Like
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Strange
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.