Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
You Might Also Like
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede