“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.