Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
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When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen