I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
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I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone