“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
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Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.