“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
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Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I will never stop laughing at this
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Yeah. This was me today.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel