Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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the battle rages on
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.