Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how