I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
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My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying