Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*