When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
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[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Good morning, Twitter x
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.