Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
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I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
how to exercise your calf muscles
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.