Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
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You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised