Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.