Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
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[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest