Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision