LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me as a therapist: omg same
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?