Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny