These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
You Might Also Like
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.