I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
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Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
are they though??
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
catch me on valentine’s day like
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed