[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
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Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.