Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
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How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.