One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.