Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
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Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT