[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*